EPISODE 48: “This Show Bites!”
By Matthew Stephens
Copyright ã George Poe Trio 2009. All rights reserved

 

Interior of cafe. Noon. The Trio is gathered around a table for a meal. The meal is being served around them. And we find the trio mid-conversation.

MATTHEW to George
I’m pretty sure there’s a connection!

GEORGE laughing
I'm pretty sure there’s not.

MATTHEW serious
I’m telling you, there’s a connection!

GEORGE
There’s no connection.

MATTHEW holding his hands before him, for two sides of an argument.
Think about it! Mad cow. Crazy horse. There's a connection.
Tell him, Lee.

Lee doesn't answer but stares at the food on his plate (GP3 sandwich garnished w/ pickle) in a catatonic state.

MATTHEW
Lee?

Matthew and George get up to stand on either side of Lee who still stares.

GEORGE
Lee, what's wrong?

LEE still staring at food
The trio is finished.

George and Matthew exchange glances.

GEORGE
What?

LEE still staring at food
The trio is finished.

MATTHEW
Lee, George and I have these kinds of arguments all the time. It's no big deal.

LEE still staring at food
No. It's not your arguing. It's the sandwich.

GEORGE
What's the matter with the sandwich?

LEE still staring
Nothing. But it's saying that we're going to break up within 24 hours.

Matthew leans in closer, to get a better look at the sandwich.
GEORGE
Are you alright, Lee?

LEE still staring
What do you care? We won't even be a band in one day.

MATTHEW leaning back from sandwich.
I don't think that sandwich is saying anything. I don't hear it.

GEORGE
I think we need to get Lee to a doctor,

George and Matthew stare at Lee and at each other while eerie music plays.
Fade to black.

Fade in.
Interior Emergency Room Stall/doctor's examination room. Lee is seated on examining table. Doctor is performing cursory test with stethoscope and such. Stands erect again and pulls stethoscope from ears. Goes to the door of the stall/examination room and motions to George and Matthew who are waiting right outside.

DOCTOR
Come in. Come in.

George and Matthew enter. They join doctor around Lee.

MATTHEW to doctor
How is he, doc?

DOCTOR
I'm afraid it may be serious.

GEORGE
Can't you help him? I mean we joke with Lee a lot but we're really not ready to start looking for another drummer right now.
And we have a battle of the bands tonight!

MATTHEW
Yeah. And if we don't win, we can't pay our rent.

DOCTOR
Gentlemen, I have run several tests and it is apparent that your friend is in a catatonic state.
And I don't know what's causing it.
I've examined him thoroughly and all I can find is these bite marks.

Cut to close up of doctor pulling up sleeve on Lee's limp, right arm, exposing teeth marks.

MATTHEW
Oh, that's from a homeless guy.

DOCTOR
How do you know that?

MATTHEW moving a finger along the bite mark.
Well, you see all these missing teeth?

DOCTOR
But that doesn't mean...

GEORGE interrupting doctor.
Doctor, can we talk in confidence?

DOCTOR
Certainly.

GEORGE
The trio is a part-time job for us. I work various temporary jobs. Matthew here delivers pizzas.

Cut to Matthew giving thumbs up to doctor.

GEORGE
But Lee is a homeless guy during the day.

DOCTOR
Oh! That's terrible.

MATTHEW
I was homeless for a while myself.

GEORGE exasperated
You were never homeless.

MATTHEW
I had no mailing address.

GEORGE
You got no mail for a week because you forgot to pay the fee for the PO Box.

MATTHEW
I was living with the outcast and the unwanted.

GEORGE to doctor.
He spent a week at a Dungeons and Dragons convention. Now what's the matter with Lee?

DOCTOR
Well, it's seems he has developed some kind of psychic ability, related to food.

GEORGE incredulous
What?

MATTHEW
Now wait a minute, George. I think the good doctor here has a point. You remember last Ground Hog Day? Lee insisted I bring home a sausage pizza.

GEORGE incredulous still
So?

MATTHEW
So? What do you think sausage is?
Again Matthew uses his hands to illustrate two opposing views.
Ground. Hog.

DOCTOR making a note on her clipboard.
That's very interesting.

Cut to Matthew crossing his arms and shaking his head as if to say, “I told you so.”

GEORGE
What can we do to help Lee?

DOCTOR writing again on her clipboard.
Well, he will eventually recover. But for now you can help by playing along.
She tears off slip of paper, hands it to MATTHEW
Get this prescription filled. They should start to work in a day or so.

GEORGE
“Play along?”

MATTHEW
A day or so?

Cut to exterior of doctor's office as Matthew and George exit onto street with Lee between them.
Lee looks worse than before: Cross-eyed and painful, he can barely walk.

GEORGE
“Play along,” she says.

MATTHEW
If he doesn't get better soon, we are going to need to get another drummer.
By the way, nice going with the doctor;
telling her we'd play her birthday party in lieu of payment.

The trio stops to catch breath and to adjust Lee who has begun to sag between them.

GEORGE staring off
Hey, maybe this is what Lee was talking about. He said the trio would be broken up within a day and here we are, already talking about getting another drummer. Hey, maybe he really is a psychic.

Trio starts walking again.

MATTHEW
Nah.

GEORGE
No, really. And maybe we can make some money off him. You know, charge people to call him and Lee tells them their futures.


MATTHEW
It won't work. I would never call a phone psychic.

GEORGE
No? Why not?

MATTHEW
Well, they charge you $5.00 a minute.
And then they keep you in the phone until it is the future.

LEE blurts out
Matthew sleeps with the fishes.!
GEORGE and MATTHEW
What?

LEE
Matthew sleeps with the fishes!

MATTHEW to GEORGE
This is even worse than I thought. We gotta get that prescription filled.

MATTHEW
Ohhh.

GEORGE
Whaddaya mean “Ohhh.”

MATTHEW
I just remembered. I have to work. NOW!.

GEORGE
But we have a battle of the bands tonight at 9:00. And we have to win.

MATTHEW
It's only for a couple of hours. I'll be there in plenty of time.
Runs away, leaving George to crumple under the weight of Lee.

Fade out.

Cut to interior of pizza restaurant. Dusk.

MATTHEW running in the door.
Whew! Just in time

MANAGER
Hi, Matt. Hey, you don't work tonight, do ya?

MATTHEW
Don't I?

MANAGER
No. I'm sure you don't. You don't work for the rest of the week.

MATTHEW stunned
Okay, thanks.
Exits store

Exterior. Suburban street, near night fall. Matthew roams the tree-lined street away from camera as Beatles' “This Boy” plays. Car with Domino's lit sign pulls up between camera and Matthew. Honks and Matthew turns to see driver.

ROOKIE
Wow! Am I glad to see you. I can't find this address.
And they've been waiting on their pizza for over an hour.


MATTHEW
Let me see.
ROOKIE pulls pizza box out of the car without a warming bag on it.

MATTHEW
This address is two blocks over.

ROOKIE
Really? All these streets look the same.

MATTHEW
Yeah. Remember, this is a garage apartment in the back.
But you're gonna have to park on the driveway and go through the house to get to it.

ROOKIE
Thanks.

MATTHEW
Yeah, he's a good tipper, too.

ROOKIE putting pizza back in the car
Alright!

MATTHEW
Hey, you don't have a warming bag for the pizza.

ROOKIE
I forgot.

MATTHEW taking off his jacket, he wraps the pizza in it.
Here. Take this. That should work just as well.

ROOKIE
What about you? You'll catch cold.

MATTHEW
No, I'll be fine.

ROOKIE getting back in car.
Thanks.

MATTHEW walking on
Forget it.

Fade out.

Later, at the trio's house.
Exterior, night.

Interior of house. Lee slouches on his drum stool behind his drum kit. George stands next to Lee, his hands around Lee's hands which are limply holding drumsticks. George is trying to re-teach Lee to play.
Doorbell rings.
Curtis enters, leading Rookie from earlier, street scene across the room. ROOKIE is holding Matthew's jacket around pizza.



CURTIS enters, wearing giant pocket watch for a necklace.
Master George? This young man says he has something for Master Matthew.
I thought you might want to talk to him.

GEORGE offering his hand to Rookie
I would. Thank you, Curtis.
Can I help you?

ROOKIE
Is Matthew here? I wanted to return his jacket.

GEORGE
No. He isn't here. Uh, isn't he at work with you?

ROOKIE
No, he showed up but it turns out he had the night off.
I saw him on Third street, just walking along, and he gave me his jacket to keep this pizza warm.

GEORGE taking the jacket/pizza
I can give him the jacket when he gets back. To himself Wherever he is.

ROOKIE
You can have the pizza, too. I couldn't ever find the address.

GEORGE
Well, thanks.

ROOKIE
Good night

GEORGE closes door and takes jacket wrapped around pizza to coffee table in front of Lee.
Unwrapping pizza.
Ah. Anchovies. I hate anchovies.
George then hears Lee's voice in his head saying “Matthew sleeps with the fishes.”
 

GEORGE looks at Curtiss
Curtiss, What time is it?

CURTISS points to his pocket watch necklace with gang sign hands.
You have to ask?

GEORGE takes cell phone from his pocket and calls Matthew


GEORGE
Matthew? Where are you? Where have you been?

MATTHEW
They wouldn't let me tonight.
I got so depressed about our financial situation that I just went for a walk.

GEORGE on phone
Well, I think you better get back to the office. Pronto.

MATTHEW on phone
Why? We're not a band anymore.

GEORGE on phone
What are you talking about? Look, never mind. I think I understand Lee's problem.
He's living in the future.

MATTHEW
With that hairstyle?

GEORGE
This is serious. This could mean the end of the trio.

MATTHEW on phone
Wait a minute. All we have to tell Lee the gig is at 9 p.m.!

GEORGE on phone
Are you kidding? We have a hard enough time trying to get to a gig on time when we are on time.

MATTHEW
Trust me! This has got to work. I'll meet you at the gig.
Hangs up phone.

Cut to interior of venue where Battle of the Bands is scheduled.
Banner above trio's head reads “Battle of the Bands”.

Trio plays a song as if nothing is wrong. Trio finishes song and bows to audience.

Fade to black
Interior of cafe. Night. The Trio is gathered around a table for a meal after sound check. Waitress is serving the trio and all eyes are on Lee for his reaction to the food now that he is recovered.
Again, trio is mid-conversation.

GEORGE
So when I saw the anchovy pizza with your coat around it, I remembered what Lee said about you sleeping with the fishes. That's when I knew: Lee was not only interpreting food, he was doing it in the future.

MATTHEW
Lee must have seen me depressed....in the future. Depressed about money, about the band, and thought the band was going to break up.

Waitress places a bowl of spaghetti in front of Lee. And awaits Lee's reaction. For a moment Lee stares at the bowl as he stared before, without a word.

WAITRESS to Lee
Well, Lee, Do you like the spaghetti?

WAITRESS
Well? Do you?

LEE
Well, I'm not anti-pasta.

All laugh. And continue to laugh as theme music cuts in.
Fade to black.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fade in. Interior Trio's home.
Trio in various positions, all three facing camera with smiles.

MATTHEW
Hi, I'm Matthew Stephens and I play Matthew Stephens on the show. Thanks for watching tonight's episode. We had a lot of fun making it.

GEORGE
We sure did. And we all had a good laugh. But bites from the homeless are no laughing matter.

LEE
You're right, George. Kids, if you're ever bitten by a homeless man or woman, be sure to seek professional, medical help right away.

MATTHEW
So take it from Lee.

TRIO in unison
And from all of us!
DON'T GET BIT!

Trio waves, winks, smiles at camera.
Freeze frame. Roll credits.

VOICE OVER
This program brought to you by the American Dental Association.

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